


Surrender

by Zana_Lee



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:14:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29978598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zana_Lee/pseuds/Zana_Lee
Summary: The wires between your heart and your brain get crossed when you’re around him. Because it's impossible to coincide the man who was the Armored Titan and the man that you love.
Relationships: Reiner Braun & Reader, Reiner Braun/Reader
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [MANGA SPOILER WARNING!! Y/N is based on the main character in the AOT2 game]

Surrender

Chapter 1

**_“Strangest wilderness inside,  
The heart drifts from hot to cold,  
You think it can't make up its mind,  
But suddenly it's always known,  
Suddenly it's always known.”_ **

Finding out Reiner was the Armored Titan was...admittedly hard to process. Somewhat impossible at first. As if your mind couldn't exactly see the two of them together and not as two separate entities. Perhaps it was the way your subconscious clashed with your hate, your need for revenge. Up to that point, you had lived your life only to kill that Titan. The one responsible for everything wrong in the world, at least in your eyes. Enlisting in the military, joining the Scouts, becoming their weapon - everything had been to bring you closer to vengeance. Reiner was the problem of course. Getting close to him, allowing him to fill the void inside of you. Trusting him. Feeling things that you shouldn't have been feeling in the first place. And having everything implode around you once again for the second time in your life the moment Commander Erwin said those words.

_Annie Leonhardt is the Female Titan._

You knew then. Somehow, impossibly that it had to be true. Erwin knew too, and he'd seen the change on your face.

_What is it recruit?_

_Wouldn't...wouldn't it stand to reason that the Colossal and Armored Titans could be among us as well?_

The smile on his face confirmed what you had been thinking. And your shock confirmed it for him as well. Had Erwin used you to confirm his own suspicions knowing full well how close you were to them? _To him_? Yes. You shouldn't have been surprised but you were relieved when he said nothing else. There were only two people close enough to Annie that it could be. And one of them had to be fucking Reiner. It was a cosmic joke. Because you weren't allowed to be happy. You were a weapon. With the sole purpose of killing titans for the Scouts. You weren't a person. Not anymore. And Reiner had made you feel too human.

And you never imagined after trying so hard to kill him that you would be sitting around a fire with him once again. Maybe that wasn’t exactly true. When Armin had asked you to turn back – that securing Annie was the main priority, you’d listened. You told yourself at the time it was because Armin was right, but a dark part deep inside of your soul knew you’d given up so quickly because of Reiner. Because maybe, just maybe you didn’t want him to die at all. But that wasn’t something you’d ever allowed yourself a second to consider.

You could feel his gaze on you from across the fire but there was no way you could look at him. Not after going into the house to kill him and _not_ doing it once again. You were in denial, that much you’d come to accept. It was hard for you to pinpoint an actual reason you’d gotten so close or when exactly it had become a habit to spend so much time together. It hadn't even been planned. Not at first. At the start you had just trained together and slowly relied on him to help you get better. To help you achieve your goals before Reiner himself even knew what those goals were. And he didn’t find out until much later. Until it was too late. For both of you.

Eventually, training had turned into meals in the mess hall. Sometimes with Bertholdt, sometimes alone. And then the two of you begun spending time together outside of training. Until walking to lectures together was a common occurrence. What was it about Reiner that had attracted you so? Sure, he was handsome, skilled, reliable. But it was more than that. There was a vulnerability to him, something he hadn't shown to anyone else but _you_ , something contradictory to the big brother he appeared to be. Maybe he hadn't even realized the times he’d slipped, the part of himself he'd unknowingly exposed to you. But it showed he relied on you just as much as you relied on him. As time passed, slowly that cold void inside of you seemed to warm up and sometimes, when you were alone with him, you forgot about that emptiness altogether.

After returning from Liberio, seeing Eren hadn’t taken much at all. Convincing Hange was easy enough, after all, you weren’t Armin or Mikasa – the two people they’d been trying to keep out. You’d stepped up to the bars and stared him down where he was seated on the uncomfortable looking bed, the single blanket crumpled around his form. The bed was clearly unmade and the area around the basin was surrounded by puddles of water that he hadn’t even bothered to clean up. He should have been glad it was you coming down to see him and not Levi heichou. Eren didn't move or give any reaction that he acknowledged your presence there.   
You were close with Eren as well, you supposed. Not as close as you were with Jean or Mikasa but close enough that you called each other a friend. You’d been closer before but Eren had begun isolating himself a while ago and in those moments, you wondered how this would go, especially since you weren’t even ready to admit why you’d come down here yourself.  
Sighing sharply, you have a soft shake of your head, mostly to mask your annoyance. “Heard you got a bit handsy with Hange. Kind of a dick move.”   
Eren continued to sit still, not saying a word but finally his eyes moved to where you were standing.  
You lifted your brows, almost as if daring some kind of reaction from him. Eren continued to look at you and you could see a calm anger in his eyes now, despite the dimly lit cell he was being kept in. “Are we just going to stare at each other or-”   
Eren leapt to his feet, coming across the cell with alarming speed. You could track his progress across the room easily but made no move to evade or counter him. Instead, you allowed him to grab you. A hand reached through the bars, gripping your shirt and yanking you up against the iron just as he’d probably done with Hange as well. The bars were cold and the impact rattled through your body but you used it to your advantage - you'd wanted a reaction from Eren and you were going to get it. Reaching through the bars, you grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down. The collision was almost painful.

And Eren stopped breathing.

For a long moment, you stood together, lips fused, but neither moved. Could it be called a kiss? You weren’t sure. To anyone walking in, it would definitely seem that way. You could taste his lips, they had a tinge of saltiness, as if he'd just eaten. There was no doubt that Eren was having the same sensations as well but you refused to give up or back down. Hange had warned you not to come. But when you’d seen Eren, a part of you had wanted to lure him out, to see something of his old self again. Yes, admittedly you’d acted impulsively. This definitely hadn't been planned - but Eren did react.

He shoved away from you, breathing sharply as he wiped the back of his hand over his mouth.

“What the hell-” he exhaled harshly, his glare more surprised than angry.

He shouldn't have expected anything less from you, if he wanted to get hands-on with you, you would do exactly the same. Eren shook his head, he knew that you had always been harmlessly flirty with everyone so whatever had just happened didn't seem to affect him at all but when he looked up, something in his gaze changed.

“You shouldn't do that. Not when you're Reiner's girl.”

His words had the desired effect and you couldn't hide the way your body locked up and the way your heart ached in your chest - it was written all over your face.   
“I'm not-” your voice cracked and you took a breath, steadying herself. “To be his I'd have to be either wanted or had and I am neither.”   
“Are you sure?” Eren asked calmly and you glared at him, truly angry for the first time since coming down to see him.   
Eren stared at you for a long time before saying anything himself. “Just ask or get out.”  
At this, you hesitated. “I...can't.”  
Eren's tone was low and you could sense the underlying anger that you were feeling there as well. “Yes, _you can_. Say it.”  
The words tumbled from your lips one after another almost desperately. “You saw him. Spoke to him. I know you did.”   
He answered immediately. “Yeah, I did.”   
“Tell me about him.”  
“Say his name.” his eyes dared her, but you could see he didn't fully believe that you would. So, you called his bluff, but there was no pleasure in it. “ _Reiner_. Tell me about Reiner.”  
He also took no pleasure in his next words, eyes glancing away as his voice dropped, almost as if he was confessing to you. “He's a wreck. Mentally. Even more so than before. I don't know what the military will do to him. With the candidates for the Armored Titan here, it might buy him some time, but they might just have someone else eat him... “ Eren trailed off, catching sight of the look on your face but you struggled to find your voice. “You wanted to know.”  
“I know.” you seemed to choke on the words. Eren watched you quietly for a moment. “There's nothing wrong with forgiving him.”  
Half angered, half desperate, you tried to draw on that hatred, the same hatred that had been fuelling you for years but...there was nothing. The pit was empty and for the first time, you seemed to come up short. Eren noticed the hesitation. “He was following orders and years of indoctrination.”  
“Have you?” you asked in a rush, stepping up to the bars, fingers curling around the iron. “Forgiven him? For your mother. For Wall Maria.”  
A muscle ticked in Eren's jaw but he gave you an answer, but not the one you’d been hoping to hear. “...Yeah. I have.”   
Revenge had driven you for such a long time, letting go seemed impossible. “I don't know Eren...” without the anger, the hate, the need for revenge, you felt lost - without purpose. It was as you turned away that Eren spoke again. “You think we don't know how you survived? That Hange-san and Levi heichou have no idea how you happened to be on top of the wall when your gear was clearly wrecked and there was no way you could have made it back.”   
You stopped, your back to him but you didn't turn.   
“Your amnesia act never fooled anyone, you know.”  
“Stop it, Eren.”   
He didn't stop. “There was only one way you would have gotten back. Someone needed to have returned you to us safely.”  
“Eren,” you warned, voice low.  
There was a creaking sound as Eren held the bars in a tight grip. “Reiner saved your life.”   
Your eyes squeezed shut tightly. You remembered. Of course you did. Despite your injuries and how close to death you had been, _someone_ had saved you. You remembered his smell and his voice, the feeling of his arms around you. Blurry flashes of someone you’d always known to be him. Reiner. But you lied. Told them you had no idea how you’d been saved, because a large part of you refused to admit that you felt something other than hate for him. And that scared you more than anything. You’d been out of commission when the Scouts had reclaimed Wall Maria but the fear you still refused to acknowledge, was the fear you felt when you heard how close Reiner had come to death that day. Even now, you weren’t sure what would have happened if you’d been there with them that day. Would you have attempted to save him or killed him?

One thing was certain. Reiner had put himself in danger to save your life. He could have just as easily taken you with him to Marley. But he'd cared enough to return you home, even at the risk of getting himself captured.

You felt sickened by yourself for the warmth you’d felt when Eren had referred to you as _Reiner's girl_.

It scared you.

And that fear pushed her to look back at him, “Was it worth it?”   
Eren closed his eyes, turning slightly as if he'd given up on the conversation, as if he knew you were only lashing out then.   
“Was Sasha dying really worth it?”   
“Get out,”

This time, you went.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MANGA SPOILER WARNING

Chapter 2

**_“And if I could reach the Northern Lights,  
Maybe then I'd understand it all,  
Sometimes I try so hard to fight,  
When all I want to do is fall,  
Into the night,  
Into your arms, surrender.”_ **

Now, still feeling Reiner’s eyes on you felt like another cruel joke. _Look away,_ you wanted to say. You wanted to glare over at him, force him to back down. But, the truth was – you didn’t have the guts. What did he want to say? Hadn’t you already said everything that needed to be said in that house? You finding him there had been another unfortunate twist of fate. You should have been with the others. You shouldn’t have been with an _enemy._ And yet, somehow you’d ended up right on top of him once again. In the aftermath of the battle you’d seen both him and Gabi going into a house and only she emerged minutes later. You told yourself to leave, to go help your friends. You repeated those words over and over again as if somehow you would listen to them and leave. But you didn’t.   
Your hands gripped the roof tiles tightly, the sharp edges digging into your fingers, almost as if you were holding herself there. Every instinct telling you to go, to _not_ go down there. But you knew it was over for you. You’d felt your resolve crumbling from the moment you’d spoken to Eren. And now, faced with the decision, you knew you would choose wrong.

“Fuck it.”

Once you entered through the – unlocked – door, Reiner appeared to be asleep by the window and you couldn't see him clearly from where you stood, something you were silently grateful for. So far, Reiner hadn't stirred. But the closer you got to him, the more your heart hammered against your ribcage. You rubbed sweaty palms against your thighs as you shifted even closer, until all too soon you stood right in front of him.

He looked so...peaceful in his sleep. As if the worries that had held him down before weren't as heavy a load when he was sleeping. And as much as you hated to admit it, Reiner had become even more handsome. You instantly wanted to punch yourself for that thought. You wanted to punch him too. Anger swirled in your gut. For the lies. For the betrayal. For...everything he'd done. Faced with him so suddenly, you were unable to stop the emotions you’d carefully hidden from reappearing.

_Why did I come here?_

Defeated, you shut your eyes from him.   
“How can you sleep so peacefully?” you mumbled, turning away.  
“Finally going to finish me off?”  
You tensed, hands automatically going to your blades as you spun back to him.  
“How long have you been awake?” Reiner didn't answer you, he seemed to be in a great deal of pain and you didn't push the question. Even though Eren's words had warned you of what she would find, they had in no way prepared you. Seeing him awake now, the areas around his eyes were bruised and sunken as if he hadn't gotten any sleep in months, his hair - a little longer than before - was dishevelled but it was the look in his eyes that had hurt you the most. There was fear there. “Kill me, “ Reiner whispered. “Or leave.”  
You couldn't hide the way his words stung. You’d never been able to. Especially not from him. And for a moment, Reiner looked confused - as if he'd expected anything but that.   
“I...just, I just want to ask one thing.”  
Reiner looked away, giving a shake of his head. “Get out, -” he cut off abruptly, almost as if he'd been planning to say your name but couldn't get it past his lips.   
“Reiner, please...” you hadn't expected to feel so _vulnerable_ , or so desperate to hear his answer. Almost as if Reiner could hear that in your voice, his eyes returned to you reluctantly and you weren’t sure exactly what he saw then but he sighed in defeat, struggling to push himself up into a sitting position.  
“Ask.” the words came through clenched teeth.  
“Just tell me if you regret it.” breathless, your voice broke, but Reiner heard every word and his face tightened as if he'd been expecting it. You hurried on, taking a cautious step towards him. “Maria, Trost, Shiganshina - any of it.”  
Reiner looked away, not as if he didn't know how to answer but as if he didn't want to. You knew why you came to see him then. To find some justification for your feelings. To make what you were feeling make some sense. So you wouldn't hate yourself as much for deciding not to kill him. Anything else - any other feelings - couldn't exist. You couldn't face that. “I wish...” Reiner's hazel eyes moved up to you again, “I wish I'd never come to Paradis.”  
“Thank you,” You said, voice thin and strained. With your eyes still endlessly connected, you wondered if that would be enough. It wasn't the answer you had been hoping for. Either way would have been better. Him saying he regretted it or not. Either way brought acceptance, closure. This...you weren’t sure what to make of this yet. But seeing him had the opposite effect of what you were hoping for. It opened up a well inside of you, something raw and painful. And you worried - for him. About him. “Thank you,” you said again, desperate to leave now. To get away. To breathe for the first time since you entered this room. You made it one step. Only one. When his voice stopped you. You had never been someone who easily showed when you were effected by something. Even if someone could see what you were feeling, you never gave them a _reaction_. With Reiner now, you were a visible mess. Your hands shook at your sides, aching to open the door. Aching to leave. To separate yourself from him.

“Do you hate me?”

Tears stung your eyes. An immediate _yes_ on your lips. Mostly out of habit. But you didn't say it. The lie died in your throat. Because you didn't hate him. Not at all. Not for a long time. The truth of it was-

Your name on his lips, _finally_ , caused a panic to flutter in your chest. Hearing him say your name was everything you'd secretly hoped but would never admit.   
_Why do you care?_ You wanted to ask.   
_Shouldn't you be more worried about what Historia thought of you?_ That stung more.   
Slowly, you looked back at him over your shoulder. “I wish you'd never come to Paradis too.”  
Reiner's eyes closed then and he shifted down once more and after a moment, so weakened by the battle, he did seem to fall asleep quickly.

But you never left. Instead, you turned, sliding down the wall to sit down. You couldn't abandon him here. You couldn't allow him to be found by the wrong people.

Luckily that hadn’t happened. The right people found you but that had also brought you here. To this moment. Your eyes drifted over to where Levi was. He seemed to be asleep and you wondered how the hell the survived, his injuries would have killed anyone else. But Hange had patched him up and had assured everyone he would be up and moving sooner than anyone thought. You were grateful for that, because in all honesty – what the future held scared you for the first time. Although you were used to faking it. You were a mess. And being this close to the enemy…it didn’t help. They weren’t an enemy anymore. But that didn’t mean that you could trust them. You couldn’t right? Because trusting them…meant trusting him again. And you couldn’t possibly allow yourself to do that. There was just…no way.   
“No one’s going to give me a hand here?” Hange asked. “Please stop glaring at each other…”  
You stepped forward, crouching next to her, happy for a distraction – finally. Hange threw you a small smile before returning their attention back to the Marleyan soldier – Magath. Unfortunately, helping Hange also brought you closer to Reiner and made it harder to ignore how he continued to look at you. The longer the conversation went on, the more heated it became – or the more Jean’s carefully restrained patience began wearing thin. You glanced up at him from where you were dropping vegetables into the stew and you could see the anger there, burning in his eyes. He briefly glanced down at you, as if sensing your eyes on him before continuing on. You didn’t disagree with him. He was right. If it wasn’t for Marley, none of this would have happened. _Probably._  
Naturally, the Marleyan soldiers disagreed. Hange intervened before it got out of hand, laying down a different perspective and you hoped that that would be the end of it.

It wasn’t.

  
“Well, then.” Annie spoke up for the first time and your hands froze over the pot. “Are you prepared to kill him?”  
Even Hange stilled at that, their eyes going to each of them, her soldiers, one at a time, before landing on you.   
“Are you able to kill Eren?” Annie pushed. Hange knew you well enough to know what you were feeling before you even knew yourself – most of the time. This time, you knew though. You knew what _needed_ to be done. But also…that you didn’t know if you were _able_ to do it. Mikasa and Armin attempted to debate it – to find some other solution. Something _other_ than killing their friend. But as expected, things turned hostile once again. You stood, eyes going from Mikasa to Annie. Wondering what would happen if Annie transformed right there, would you have to kill her? That wasn’t even something you considered. It had been years since you’d seen Annie, but she’d been a friend too.

You didn’t want to kill her any more than you wanted to kill Reiner.

You dropped down next to the fire once again, and Hange – seeing that look on your face, tried once again to diffuse to situation. It took a few minutes to dish up the food but soon everyone was eating the stew, which turned out to be delicious. After all these years with Hange, you had never know she was such a good cook. At first, the conversation started off a bit strained, but not hostile. That was, until Yelena got involved.   
“Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?” she began, turning her gaze towards Reiner. “Reiner Braun, by opening a hole in the wall how many Eldians do you suppose were devoured by pure titans?”  
For the first time since arriving here, you turned your gaze to Reiner. His hands held the bowl tightly as he stared at Yelena. “Slipping into the walls, sharing joys and sorrows with your _comrades_ here?”  
Reiner looked down at the food in his hands, seemingly losing his appetite with that one sentence. His chest rose and fell sharply almost as if he was trying to relieve pressure there – or maybe you imagined it. Yelena didn’t stop there though, “Betrayal, killing each other and now pretending to be a comrade again.” She moved on to Annie immediately and for the briefest moment, Reiner’s eyes lifted to you and you didn’t want to see it – you didn’t want to know his pain. You didn’t want to know the weight of his guilt. His sorrow. And it took you a moment to gather the strength to look away, to force your eyes somewhere else. Somewhere other than _him._  
“…eventually you trampled the residents of Stohess in great numbers.” Yelena was saying but Annie’s face gave nothing away and she continued to stare at Yelena with an almost emotionless expression. Yelena continued on her triad that no one asked for. And eventually, she got to you.  
“And you, you are nothing than a weapon for the Scouts, with them having used you again and again before you even fully enlisted because of your talent for killing titans and yet – somehow you’d failed at that too. Reiner and Annie are still alive despite your best efforts and your friends have died around you one by one. How far has that talent gotten you? Weren’t you right there when Sasha was killed?”  
You turned your head away sharply, eyes stinging. She was right. There was no denying it. But you hated hearing it. You hated having it put into words. She continued speaking, but her words sounded too far away for you to grasp.

Until Jean spoke.

And you recognized that quiet calm in his voice. This couldn't possibly end well. You knew that. The moment Yelena mentioned Marco, things would go south very quickly. Your eyes went to Connie but he was staring down at his lap with wide eyes. Internally, you begged Yelena to stop. For Jean’s sake. And for your own. Because you didn’t want to know. There was only one reason Yelena would bring this up now.   
_Stop it, don’t say anything else.  
_ “If I’m not mistaken, you said Annie was involved with his death right?”  
Jean had gone very still next to you and you couldn’t do it – you couldn’t look at Annie. And then slowly, Jean did. His eyes moved up – looking right to where Annie and Reiner sat. Waiting.   
And Annie did tell him. But you still couldn’t look up.   
“I took Marco’s 3D gear. That’s why Marco was eaten by a Titan.”  
“Annie just obeyed my order.” Reiner said immediately, as if he refused to let hertake the fall on her own. You inhaled a shaky breath, letting your lids fall shut.   
“Marco…heard a conversation between me and Bertholdt that had to be kept secret. So, I thought if Marco were eaten by a titan, it would silence him.”  
Your hands curled into fists in your lap. _Shut up_ , you wanted to say. _Don’t say anything more.  
_ “I threw Marco onto a roof in mid-air and while I was holding him down, Annie removed his 3D Manoeuvring Gear. Marco couldn’t move from that spot, and was eaten by a titan that came from behind.”  
There was a long moment of strained silence and then Jean spoke in that same eerily calm voice. “Marco…he didn’t have any last words?”  
“He said,” Reiner began but his voice was hoarse, shaky, “We still haven’t talked.”  
“Yes,” Jean said, “That’s right. We still haven’t talked properly.” Jean continued on, his tone completely contradictory to what he was saying, almost as if he was in shock. As if he couldn’t quite believe what Reiner had said. Reiner opened his mouth again, and _again_ you wished he would stop talking. You had a sense he was only making things worse. But he didn’t stop. He kept going.  
It was when he apologized that Jean finally snapped, he leapt past you and over the clearing towards Reiner, you stumbled back and Armin reached out a hand to steady you, his eyes grave. For a moment, no one moved as Jean beat Reiner – and Reiner did nothing. He didn’t stop Jean. He didn’t fight back. You shifted slightly, muscles tense – unsure of what to do. Unsure of who you would go towards. The realization made you sick. Maybe everyone was too shocked too move, maybe they thought Reiner deserved it. Blood splattered across the ground and onto the tip of your boot. You started down at it almost as if you couldn't quite believe what you were seeing. And then your instinct kicked in.  
“Jean-” you reached out and it was then that Connie and Armin seemed to jump into action, wrapping their arms around him to attempt to hold him back. Jean kicked out again but the children had also jumped in to protect Reiner and somehow the hit landed on Gabi. You slid into the space between them, holding your hands out towards Jean as if that would somehow ward him off.  
“Jean, enough -”  
It only angered him further. He shook his arms free and gripped your shoulders. “ _Enough_?” he whispered. “Did _you_ really just tell me it’s enough?”  
You stared up at him with wide eyes but Jean didn't let go despite Connie once again trying to forcefully pull him away. “Did you not hear a word he just said?” Jean's voice kept growing louder and louder. In the corner of your eye, you could see Mikasa shifting closer as well.   
“Why would you stop me?” Jean demanded. “After everything he did. To you. To _us._ We saw you. How you went after Eren during that battle. Connie and I. We fucking saw you protect Reiner.”   
“I-” what could you say? You couldn't deny it. You’d acted purely out of instinct, as if your body had moved completely on its own. Eren had been trying to eat Reiner. Were you supposed to allow it?   
“Tell me,” Jean leaned forward, his voice dropping low but still loud enough for everyone to hear him. “Is it because you believe he is worthy of forgiveness or is it because you're in love with him?”  
The clearing seemed deathly quiet then and you forgot how to breathe. You immediate response was to throw his feelings for Mikasa in his face but you couldn't get any words out. A large part of you couldn't believe he'd said that. Jean had always been there, silently, without saying a word even though he'd always known how you felt about Reiner. He'd always been someone you could turn to. Because out of everyone he knew what it was like to love someone without them ever knowing the truth. He'd also been the only one who knew what you’d gone through with Reiner. Jean had been the one who'd sat next to you quietly and let you lean into him. Because you always thought he understood.

And you didn't blame him for this. You didn't blame him for saying these things. He wasn't wrong. It still hurt. But you knew he wasn't wrong.

“Jean.” Mikasa said and his grip loosened a little but he didn't let go.  
“Answer me.”  
You resisted the urge to look over your shoulder to see if Reiner was conscious. To see if he'd heard everything. What was the right answer here? Did you believe Reiner was worthy of forgiveness? After what he'd just said about Marco?

No.

Did that change anything?

“Answer me!” Jean gave you a shake and Mikasa stepped closer again.  
“ _Jean_ ,” there was a finality in her voice.  
“It’s because I'm in love with him.” you said, your voice a broken whisper but you knew everyone heard it and you felt like you were stripped bare in front of them.

Your biggest secret. But also your biggest shame.

You didn't expect them to understand because you didn’t understand how you’d gotten yourself into this situation to begin with. Yes, before you had no idea of who Reiner truly was. And after, you’d been unable to turn it off. To stop you heart from feeling what it wanted to.

Or maybe you just hadn't tried hard enough.

Maybe there was a part of you that wanted to love him despite all of it.

And it scared you.

But what did it matter now? The rumbling started and most likely they would all die trying to stop Eren. Jean made a disgusted sound, finally letting go as he turned away roughly. You stumbled out of his hold and Armin reached out, immediately there to steady you. But you couldn't look at him.

You couldn't look at anyone.   
  
Gabi spoke up then, and you were grateful to _her._ Something you never imagined. “We wished for all of you people from Paradis Island to disappear.”  
Jean looked over his should at her. “And then…my mom and my dad, all of the people from Liberio ended up disappearing…I’m sorry.” She pushed away from Reiner and bowed her head in front of all of you. “I realize how incredibly impudent this is of me. We need your help! Please,” she begged. “Please…lend us your strength!”

Gabi continued to beg and you glanced back and Jean, his face breaking piece by piece. Once again, he shook Connie off and this time, Connie let him. Jean turned, walking off into the trees. Connie called after him but Jean didn’t look back.

“Why are you guys so fucking loud?” Levi complained from his cart and you felt a little bit of relief. Levi was probably the only one who wouldn't judge you. Mostly because he wouldn't care about any of it. “Are you okay?” Armin asked quietly, his arm still around you as if he thought you were about to break. You searched his pretty blue eyes, wondering if somehow he’d known of your feelings too. You nodded anyway, because that was the only answer you could give. Armin didn’t seem to believe you. Jean was gone. The Marleyans were tending to Reiner who was unfortunately still conscious enough to have heard Jean's outburst. You gave Armin a slight smile, finally moving out of his hold. Going around the fire, you sat down next to Hange once more, taking the bowl that was meant for Jean from their outstretched fingers. Awkwardly, Hange shifted around as if unsure how to handle this. A hand fell on your shoulder a moment later.   
“You’re more than just a weapon to me,” Hange said quietly and your head snapped up to her. Had Yelena’s words bothered Hange enough to say something? You’d known Hange cared about you, that you were someone they wanted to protect. But it was still a fact that the Scouts had used you, _that_ hadn’t been a lie.   
“I’m sorry,” Hange said, hand tightening on your shoulder.   
Your eyes stung again and you turned your head away. “This is delicious, Hange.” You lifted the bowl a little without looking at her.   
The hand squeezed your shoulder again before falling away. “I'm glad you like it.”  
It was as they were turning away that you managed to say it, a soft _thank you_. Hange paused slightly before sitting down too.


	3. Chapter 3

**_“I said I didn't miss you,  
but I lied,   
Told myself I let you go.”_ **

It was hard to pinpoint the exact moment you fell in love with him, the times you spent together were something you astutely tried not to think about, but you remembered when you became aware of it with startling clarity. It had been after an especially tough practice session, you stood side by side in the cafeteria as always, but your muscles ached and your legs shook slightly under your weight. You’d complained about it and Reiner - being Reiner - had put his arm on your head, leaning down and smiling at you innocently despite the obvious added weight. You’d half-heartedly attempted to swat him away but it shocked you in the moment when it occurred to you that you... _liked_ it when he touched you, that there was a warmth in your chest and a fluttering you’d never noticed before. There was no denying what you were feeling, you’d read about this many times but feeling it was nothing in comparison. You knew that it wasn't the first time either, but it was the first time you’d acknowledged it, admitted it to yourself.   
“Reiner,” you warned, poking at his ribs. “Keep doing that and I might believe you're the one making me feel weak and not the training.”  
Unfazed by your flirting, Reiner lifted a brow. “Oi, don't play with me.”  
Naturally, that opened up a slew of dirty replies but you never got the chance. Krista and Ymir walked past you, trays of food in hand but it was Krista who grinned as she turned to you. “You guys are so cute together.”  
Ymir threw Reiner a sarcastic smirk as they walked on but Reiner had tensed up the moment Krista spoke. His arm dropped to his side and it _stung_ , twisting inside of your chest. It felt like rejection. Which in itself was crazy. There was nothing between Reiner and you. Nothing there to reject.  
“Yikes,” you said lowly, somehow to cover up the hurt. “Krista, huh? That was awkward.”  
“ _U-ru-sai_.” Reiner tugged at your hair as he pronounced every syllable of the word. He walked off then, to join Bertholdt. It hurt though, watching him walking away and the unmistakable way he glanced over to where Krista was sitting. You’d looked down at the floor for a moment, attempting to school your features so that you could _pretend_ this wasn't happening. That it didn’t hurt. That what you were feeling somehow wasn't real. But it was when you looked up that saw someone had noticed. Jean. And there was no doubt from the look on his face when your eyes met that he knew exactly what you were feeling. You had known of his feelings for Mikasa for a while, Jean hardly attempted to hide the longing in his eyes when he thought no one was looking, but it wasn't your business so you had never indicated to him that you knew. So, it was you who turned you head away from him sharply, as if your refusal to acknowledge it would simply make it not…real. Quietly, you slid into the seat next to Sasha and when Jean took the seat in front of you, he didn't give any indication of what he'd seen on your face and he'd never mentioned it again. But life with Reiner had become harder, he hadn't allowed you to get out of training with him, despite you trying every excuse known to man. Every time, Reiner had simply given you an odd look and told you to come along and every time, you’d gone without putting up a fight. Keeping your heart locked away around the person who knew you best wasn't always easy and looking back, you always wondered if he'd somehow known and never said anything. If he continued to be around you, if he continued to get close to you, knowing how you felt, knowing who he was, would that make him the monster you tried to make him out to be? Or maybe in the back of your mind you’d always know that Reiner had needed you as much as you needed him. In those quiet moments where he'd shown a vulnerability that hadn't been in his character, had he been showing you parts of him that he'd been hiding away? Had he been hoping you would notice?

Most nights, the uncertainty made you feel crazy, driving your sleep further and further away. Which one was it? Was Reiner a monster or was he someone just as broken and alone as you were? But mostly you wondered if you ever got the chance, would you ask him. Would he even answer?

That chance came sooner than you expected it to. Annie sought you out, something she’d rarely done before. It had always been you, asking her to train, hanging out with her. Not the other way around. She didn’t waste time with pleasantries either. You were on the deck, leaning over the railing, finally getting some peace when she’d walked up to you.  
“Are you that stupid?” Annie asked, leaning back against the wall behind you.  
You glared at her over your shoulder, “Excuse me?”  
“Do you seriously believe he liked Krista, Historia - whatever, more than you?”  
Where the hell was this coming from? “I'm not discussing this with you.”  
Annie scoffed. “Run away if you want. You're good at that.”  
“What's that supposed to mean?”  
“Whenever you can't face something you either lash out or run away. It’s not a secret. Everyone knows. You're just embarrassing yourself at this point.”  
Nearing the end of your patience, you sighed sharply. “Annie, I _swear_ -”  
“Please use your brain for once. We were all sitting together the night you said you were going to kill the Armoured Titan.”  
You half turned towards Annie, almost determined to prove her wrong. That you weren’t about to run.  
“Reiner knew exactly what your motivations were and yet, even though we _repeatedly_ tried to get him to stay the hell away from you, he wouldn't.”  
You glanced away – out towards the ocean, fists clenching at your sides, every instinct in you told you to get out. To tell Annie to shut up and mind her own business. But you stayed still and Annie gave a little smirk as if she knew exactly what internal battle you were facing.   
“You could always count on me to be honest with you.”   
“Yeah, no shit.” you huffed. “Even when I absolutely did not want to hear it.”   
“Well, you're going to hear it now. Yeah, maybe Reiner did have a crush on her, all of these guys were drooling over Krista at one point. But, he was always in love with _you_.”   
Annie looked a bit uncomfortable saying it, her face turned away slightly as if talking about this at all was uncomfortable for her.   
“What am I supposed to do with that information, Annie?” there was a helplessness in your voice and Annie scoffed.   
“Don't expect me to mother you. I told you the truth, make up your mind on what to do with it.” Annie pushed away from the wall and turned on her heel, the door to one of the inside rooms clanging shut behind her as she went. You stared at that door for a long time, an internal battle raging inside of your chest.   
_He was always in love with_ you.  
You pushed your face into your hands, gasping in puffs of air. Every terrible thing Reiner had done flashed in your mind, from the first moment you’d seen the Armoured Titan – back in Shiganshina all those years ago. How you’d somehow survived and watched everyone you cared about die around you. But there was also _this_ Reiner. The Reiner who was here now. The same Reiner Eren had said he’d _forgiven._ The Reiner who carried the weight of his sins every day. The Reiner you’d somehow fallen in love with. The one he’d only shown you the barest flashes of, but it had been enough. Tears wet your fingers. Because the decision had already been made. You knew what the future held for you. What would undoubtedly happen when the fighting begun. You had no illusions about it. The probability of you surviving this was slim. And if you somehow did – you would live with the consequences of your choices then.   
Shoving away from the railing you pulled open the same door Annie had shut behind herself and froze. Reiner was sitting just inside that room. Alone. His head snapped up when the door opened and his eyes widened – as if he’d expected _anyone_ but you. And you? You’d hoped for more time, even _seconds_ more to prepare yourself.   
You pulled the door shut behind you as if in a daze, leaning back against it. Reiner seemed unsure of what to say.  
“Did you hear everything?” you asked.  
“What?”  
“What Jean said. Did you hear everything?”  
Reiner seemed to understand then and his head dropped. “Yeah, I did.”  
“Oh.” You’d known that he had – and yet, hearing him admit it…embarrassed you. “I hate you, you know.” You whispered and Reiner ran a hand down his face wearily. “I know.”  
“But I wasn’t lying.”  
He tensed, his hand dropping to his side but he didn’t lift his head.  
“I love you, Reiner.” Three words you never imagined you would say to him, not since the moment he left for good. But here you both were, alone once again. But there was no joy in your confession. Not for either of you.  
“ _Don’t,_ ” Reiner whispered, broken. “I don’t deserve that.”  
“Maybe not,” you agreed, stepping away from the door, towards him and his eyes snapped up to you once more, almost afraid of what you would do. “But despite that, despite trying _everything,_ I can’t stop, Reiner.” You reached a hand out, not even sure yourself what you would do, and Reiner stood in a rush, his eyes going from your hand to your eyes. “Tell me you don’t love me,” you whispered, a sob at the end of your breath. “ _Please,_ tell me to go.”  
Reiner’s lips parted in a hard inhale and your lips trembled. “I can’t,”  
“ _Then lie,_ ” you begged, tears finally spilling from your eyes.  
Reiner shook his head, staring down at you with wide eyes and you took the final step, erasing the space between you as you fisted his shirt in both hands. “Please?”  
When he didn’t respond, you finally broke – pulling him down towards you. Your lips colliding with his. Reiner made a sound – deep inside of his throat – half pained, half _something else_. His lips parted immediately as if he didn’t want to waste a moment longer, as if every second with you had to count, as if these moments would disappear from him any second. His arms went around you, lifting your feet from the floor bringing your body closer to his, against his. And you let him. Your arms slipping around his shoulders, there was nothing sweet or chaste about the way you kissed him as you dangled in his arms. It was agonizing, fervent – uneven, filled with a desperation you could feel in him too.   
“Is this okay?” you asked into his lips. “Is it okay for me to let go? Is it okay for me to love you? To do this?”  
Reiner set you down on the ground with surprising gentleness. “I don’t know,” he confessed.   
“I don’t know either,” and when you kissed him again, he let you. When your hands gripped his vest again, he didn’t question you when you pulled it up and off of him. Feeling your hands on his skin drove him further, his hands gripping you tightly, kisses growing feverish. His breath came unsteadily as he reached for the buttons on your shirt with shaky hands and you reached up, silently guiding his fingers down each button, one by one. Until your shirt joined his, and then your pants. Until you were both bare and Reiner whispered over and over again that you were beautiful, that he loved you. Kissing away the tears on your cheeks, your body cradling his. You clung to him desperately as he filled the void inside of your heart once again, your bodies coming together to erase your fear, your pain – however temporarily, until your thoughts were consumed by him. By the way his hands felt on your skin, his lips on your neck, the way your body locked up and the sensation rolled through you each time he moved his lips. The way his body, much larger than yours, seemed to shield you from the world, creating a space where only you existed with him. And when it was over and you felt so small in his arms as you let him hold you there, as if he were afraid that you would run away and pretend this never happened. Perhaps that would be for the best. But seeing the way Reiner looked at you, the way his fingertips ghosted over your skin with such _care._ There was no way you could forget.   
Your fingers slipped onto his cheek, “Is this okay?” you asked again.  
Reiner’s eyes closed and when he opened them again, there was a resolve there, nothing like the look he’d given you when you first entered the room. “Yes,” he whispered your name, his lips curving up slightly into a ghost of a smile. “This is okay.”


End file.
